Coaching the Star Within

February 14th brings that romantic day of roses, chocolates, candlelight dinners for two, cooing, kisses or not. The juicy chemistry of romance can flame up and kindle quickly. The cold winds of disappointment can blow it out just as quickly if one is not aware of how to meet the changing needs in relationships. This emotional cycle of tides always has its’ ebb and flows. Often the norm is to blindly forge ahead while the chemistry is humming, like the fools who rush in. Have you considered what kind of lasting impact designing your relationship alliances could have? What if you could sit together and openly discuss the background assumptions, expectations, beliefs and promises you’d like to choose to make in your relationship?

For example, does he assume she’ll continue working if you choose to have children? Or does she assume he will always be excited to talk to her after his busy workday? Does he believe that she will give him signals and clues to let him know she’s in the mood to be intimate? Does she believe that he will woo her into a more romantic mood at the right time? What if you could establish a foundation of communication that cuts through the games people play?

First, understanding what you and your partner want and need, is important, then being able to ask for it, can help immeasurably in your partner’s ability to give it to you. Women have a much harder time with this than men. Because women are so intuitive, they assume their husbands already know what they want. Check it out. Not getting what we need and want leads to resentment, detachment and worse... A personal coach can help and support you getting really clear about what you want and how to ask for it. If you wait until a crisis hits, it may be too late. The best time to work on a relationship is when it is harmonious.

What are your BIG dreams and are they harmonious or complimentary? What can you honestly promise to commit to regarding who you will be in the relationship? How and when do you bring out the best in each other? Can you agree to disagree, avoid criticism and build trust with accountability? Are your values and habits compatible? How will Mr. Zen Clear do with Miss Cluttered Stagnation? How well do you give and receive? Women, especially mothers, tend to over give and under receive until they are depleted, and sad.

The importance of understanding the distinctions between men and women is profoundly significant. Women are designed to thrive on sharing feelings and telling her story (versus history), have relationships of all kinds, and have an irresistible urge to improve people and things. Mothers, grandmothers and children developed language, crafts, healing arts, and caring for the home and family clan as an ancient way of life. Women are natural counselors. Ladies naturally have the ability to multitask numerous things simultaneously. This makes them great at keeping track of many children and pots on the stove at once, for example. Women create the feel-good hormone serotonin in their brains when they talk and express feelings with others.

Men are designed to be single focused and silently track an animal for hours. Men have an urge to fix things, solve problems, build structures or systems and come up with solutions. For them the feel-good hormone is dopamine. It surges when they feel they’ve done a good job and receive acknowledgment for it. They need to have your trust, respect and praise. This supports their confidence. They thrive in challenging situations and need to be seen as the competent and capable warrior/ protector. To recover from the unsolved problems of the day a man needs to retreat to his cave, or take a walk, for alone time. He often comes into balance spontaneously, when given a little bit of time by himself.

Did you ever wonder why men generally do not ask for directions when lost? Is it in their genes to lead their clans safely to shelter? A woman however, has no problem discussing the options on getting to a certain destination and can’t understand why her husband would be offended to ask for help.

If a woman has been home alone with a small child all day, she longs for adult conversation with a passion. The idea that a child needs a village to be raised by, is equally true for the mother. If her husband has not had a chance to unwind alone or rest, to allow the unresolved problems of the work day to dissipate, he will not be able to be present or meet his wife’s needs. If they can communicate their needs to each other and negotiate a win-win situation, their relationship will be a lot happier. Perhaps he can stop in a park and read the paper before he gets home. Perhaps she can join a mom’s group and share some of her feelings with other mom’s.

She gets angry when he says don’t cry, it’s not that bad. She simply wants to share her feelings, not get fixed. He wants to retreat and can’t listen when she needs to blurt. He feels henpecked and dejected if she attacks his competency to meet her needs. He wants her to notice that he fixed the sprinklers in the yard or the latch on the gate. He thrives on her appreciation of him.

If she can resist trying to constantly point out and improve her husband’s flaws, it will support him because he needs to be seen as competent. If he can patiently listen and cultivate poignant sincere comments with her conversations, it will support his wife, because she needs to express her feelings and be listened to. This alone can make huge strides in the direction of fulfilling each other’s needs and setting the mood for greater intimacy later in the evening.

A woman needs to be heard not fixed. A man needs to be acknowledged as capable, not reminded of the flaws that he needs to improve. Focusing on what works in relationships and in life always brings greater fruits than focusing on what does not work. We bring about what we think about, so why not hold the highest light for our partner? Holding each other accountable for the steps each are taking, supports building integrity into the relationship. Apparent failures often yield beautiful gems of learning too. The unconditional love a mother and father have for their newborn child; that ability to focus only on the pure innocent goodness of the being, is one of the highest initiations for the heart, known to mankind, in my experience. To see our own Universal Divine Nature shining through the eyes of our Beloved is a priceless gift. Jelaludinn Rumi, a thirteenth century mystic, said “This is how I would die into the love I have for you: as pieces of clouds dissolve in sunlight.”